Re: I apology

[Toby Smithe <toby smithe gmail com>]

I did not see these "evil things" you wrote, but I am sure everyone
forgives you. Don't be so down on yourself; everything isn't awful.

On Thu, 2006-10-26 at 19:15 +0400, Maxim Udushlivy wrote: 
> I want to apology about what I said recently on this list. I feel very 
> bad about that, and please read why that happened. This is off topic for 
> this list, but please don't laugh, I need to be listened.
> 
> I am not a native speaker, and in this explanation my phrases may again 
> sound strange... I'll try to be concise.
> 
> In 2003, being 7 years in a deep depression (caused by life conditions, 
> unanswered love and failed attempt to immigrate to the USA due to 
> September 11), I decided to switch my ordinary software job and become a 
> game developer in a hope that this change will somehow cure me. I 
> participated in the development of a PS2 title (I was responsible for 
> game physics, parts of animation and BSP collision detection). In 
> parallel with software development I was working on a scenario for a 
> future title, it was a naval drama about a young British whaler (I have 
> some writing skills).
> 
> Unfortunately the amount of new job not cured me as I foolishly hoped, 
> instead, after one year it pushed me into a more mental exhaustion. 
> Being in this state, an accident happened with me where I experienced 
> life threat and after that I gained a so called Post-traumatic stress 
> disorder (PTSD): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder
> 
> I left gamedev job (I was not able to work in office anymore). I had 
> some savings, so I just was sitting at home waiting for disorder to 
> dissipate. This disorder was marked by a strong anxiety and flashbacks; 
> for several months day and night I was felling like I may die at every 
> minute. I was afraid to call for a doctor in a fear to be taken into a 
> hospital and go crazy because of an additional stress. As a measure to 
> overcome painful flashbacks and draw my attention to something else I 
> started development of a GUI designer in November 2004 and published it 
> about year later when it was finished.
> 
> I was not ready for mostly negative feedback (or may be I was imagine 
> things) and at this point I should just give up, but I decided to 
> "prove" that I am right and may be "helpful" for foss, not fully 
> realizing my health conditions and that my writing skills may be 
> depressing to other people. Next year I was polishing designer and 
> gathering aggression until it all felled here as a "Contribution" thread 
> and other my messages.
> 
> Please forgive me for that evil things I was saying here. I was blinded 
> by false beliefs that I bring "light", but it was almost all just crazy 
> rhetoric and fantasies of an ill and self-loving person.
> 
> /Maxim Udushlivy
> 
> P.S. I renamed designer project (http://crow-designer.sf.net; a "crow", 
> because they are tool makers) and will leave it... If somebody is 
> interested to take over, please contact me or use project mailing list. 
> Also, I am ready to give all project copyrights to Gnome Foundation.
> 
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