I apology

[Maxim Udushlivy <maxim udushlivy gmail com>]

I want to apology about what I said recently on this list. I feel very 
bad about that, and please read why that happened. This is off topic for 
this list, but please don't laugh, I need to be listened.

I am not a native speaker, and in this explanation my phrases may again 
sound strange... I'll try to be concise.

In 2003, being 7 years in a deep depression (caused by life conditions, 
unanswered love and failed attempt to immigrate to the USA due to 
September 11), I decided to switch my ordinary software job and become a 
game developer in a hope that this change will somehow cure me. I 
participated in the development of a PS2 title (I was responsible for 
game physics, parts of animation and BSP collision detection). In 
parallel with software development I was working on a scenario for a 
future title, it was a naval drama about a young British whaler (I have 
some writing skills).

Unfortunately the amount of new job not cured me as I foolishly hoped, 
instead, after one year it pushed me into a more mental exhaustion. 
Being in this state, an accident happened with me where I experienced 
life threat and after that I gained a so called Post-traumatic stress 
disorder (PTSD): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder

I left gamedev job (I was not able to work in office anymore). I had 
some savings, so I just was sitting at home waiting for disorder to 
dissipate. This disorder was marked by a strong anxiety and flashbacks; 
for several months day and night I was felling like I may die at every 
minute. I was afraid to call for a doctor in a fear to be taken into a 
hospital and go crazy because of an additional stress. As a measure to 
overcome painful flashbacks and draw my attention to something else I 
started development of a GUI designer in November 2004 and published it 
about year later when it was finished.

I was not ready for mostly negative feedback (or may be I was imagine 
things) and at this point I should just give up, but I decided to 
"prove" that I am right and may be "helpful" for foss, not fully 
realizing my health conditions and that my writing skills may be 
depressing to other people. Next year I was polishing designer and 
gathering aggression until it all felled here as a "Contribution" thread 
and other my messages.

Please forgive me for that evil things I was saying here. I was blinded 
by false beliefs that I bring "light", but it was almost all just crazy 
rhetoric and fantasies of an ill and self-loving person.

/Maxim Udushlivy

P.S. I renamed designer project (http://crow-designer.sf.net; a "crow", 
because they are tool makers) and will leave it... If somebody is 
interested to take over, please contact me or use project mailing list. 
Also, I am ready to give all project copyrights to Gnome Foundation.