- From: Maxim Udushlivy <maxim udushlivy gmail com>
- To: desktop-devel-list gnome org
- Subject: I apology
- Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2006 19:15:05 +0400
I want to apology about what I said recently on this list. I feel very
bad about that, and please read why that happened. This is off topic for
this list, but please don't laugh, I need to be listened.
I am not a native speaker, and in this explanation my phrases may again
sound strange... I'll try to be concise.
In 2003, being 7 years in a deep depression (caused by life conditions,
unanswered love and failed attempt to immigrate to the USA due to
September 11), I decided to switch my ordinary software job and become a
game developer in a hope that this change will somehow cure me. I
participated in the development of a PS2 title (I was responsible for
game physics, parts of animation and BSP collision detection). In
parallel with software development I was working on a scenario for a
future title, it was a naval drama about a young British whaler (I have
some writing skills).
Unfortunately the amount of new job not cured me as I foolishly hoped,
instead, after one year it pushed me into a more mental exhaustion.
Being in this state, an accident happened with me where I experienced
life threat and after that I gained a so called Post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder
I left gamedev job (I was not able to work in office anymore). I had
some savings, so I just was sitting at home waiting for disorder to
dissipate. This disorder was marked by a strong anxiety and flashbacks;
for several months day and night I was felling like I may die at every
minute. I was afraid to call for a doctor in a fear to be taken into a
hospital and go crazy because of an additional stress. As a measure to
overcome painful flashbacks and draw my attention to something else I
started development of a GUI designer in November 2004 and published it
about year later when it was finished.
I was not ready for mostly negative feedback (or may be I was imagine
things) and at this point I should just give up, but I decided to
"prove" that I am right and may be "helpful" for foss, not fully
realizing my health conditions and that my writing skills may be
depressing to other people. Next year I was polishing designer and
gathering aggression until it all felled here as a "Contribution" thread
and other my messages.
Please forgive me for that evil things I was saying here. I was blinded
by false beliefs that I bring "light", but it was almost all just crazy
rhetoric and fantasies of an ill and self-loving person.
P.S. I renamed designer project (http://crow-designer.sf.net; a "crow",
because they are tool makers) and will leave it... If somebody is
interested to take over, please contact me or use project mailing list.
Also, I am ready to give all project copyrights to Gnome Foundation.
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