I apology

I want to apology about what I said recently on this list. I feel very bad about that, and please read why that happened. This is off topic for this list, but please don't laugh, I need to be listened.

I am not a native speaker, and in this explanation my phrases may again sound strange... I'll try to be concise.

In 2003, being 7 years in a deep depression (caused by life conditions, unanswered love and failed attempt to immigrate to the USA due to September 11), I decided to switch my ordinary software job and become a game developer in a hope that this change will somehow cure me. I participated in the development of a PS2 title (I was responsible for game physics, parts of animation and BSP collision detection). In parallel with software development I was working on a scenario for a future title, it was a naval drama about a young British whaler (I have some writing skills).

Unfortunately the amount of new job not cured me as I foolishly hoped, instead, after one year it pushed me into a more mental exhaustion. Being in this state, an accident happened with me where I experienced life threat and after that I gained a so called Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder

I left gamedev job (I was not able to work in office anymore). I had some savings, so I just was sitting at home waiting for disorder to dissipate. This disorder was marked by a strong anxiety and flashbacks; for several months day and night I was felling like I may die at every minute. I was afraid to call for a doctor in a fear to be taken into a hospital and go crazy because of an additional stress. As a measure to overcome painful flashbacks and draw my attention to something else I started development of a GUI designer in November 2004 and published it about year later when it was finished.

I was not ready for mostly negative feedback (or may be I was imagine things) and at this point I should just give up, but I decided to "prove" that I am right and may be "helpful" for foss, not fully realizing my health conditions and that my writing skills may be depressing to other people. Next year I was polishing designer and gathering aggression until it all felled here as a "Contribution" thread and other my messages.

Please forgive me for that evil things I was saying here. I was blinded by false beliefs that I bring "light", but it was almost all just crazy rhetoric and fantasies of an ill and self-loving person.

/Maxim Udushlivy

P.S. I renamed designer project (http://crow-designer.sf.net; a "crow", because they are tool makers) and will leave it... If somebody is interested to take over, please contact me or use project mailing list. Also, I am ready to give all project copyrights to Gnome Foundation.

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