Re: Website - Pending Content Tasks

[Shaun McCance <shaunm gnome org>]

On Wed, 2010-02-17 at 19:01 -0500, Darton Williams wrote:
> Hi All,
> 
> http://website-editors.gnome.org/download/images is ready for final review.
> 
> On Mon, Feb 15, 2010 at 7:32 AM, Lucas Rocha <lucasr gnome org> wrote:
> > - Live Images content looks mostly ok,  a final review would be nice.
> > Has a TODO item about Bittorrents.
> 
> Small change in wording - "without requiring installation"
> 
> Added a brief BitTorrent explanation (could maybe be even shorter?),
> links to some free clients. I wouldn't presume to speak for GNOME by
> suggesting these clients in particular, they are just familiar and
> convenient to me.

>From your friendly neighborhood copy editor:

'The GNOME Images contain'
'These are all "Live" systems'
'The current Live Media'
'Live Media ISO images'
Why capitalized "Images" and "Live Media"?  They're not
proper nouns.  We don't need to capitalize the names of
every technology.

'To install GNOME onto your computer or into a virtual
 machine of your choice, download the file, burn to CD,
 and boot your computer.'
1) Not sure "of your choice" adds anything.
2) Download what file?  When reading top to bottom, you
   talk about something before you present it.
3) "burn it to a CD"
4) It might be worth pointing out that you have to boot
   your computer with the CD in it.  Also, some computers
   don't boot from CD by default.  Not sure if mucking
   with BIOS is really something we want to talk about.
5) And those instructions aren't really correct for
   installing in a virtual machine.
6) As an aside, I don't know what style elements we have
   available, but it would be nice to have 'Download:'
   look more like a list title.
7) Rough attempt: "Download the ISO file below to install
   GNOME onto your computer or into a virtual machine.  To
   install GNOME onto your computer, burn the ISO file to
   a CD and boot your computer with the CD in the CD drive."
   It skirts the issue of installing into a VM.  Maybe a
   sentence should be added telling you to consult your VM's
   help for instructions.

"in a GNU/Linux virtual machine"
This means that the image itself is a GNU/Linux operating
system, yes?  Because it could easily be confused to mean
that VMWare or VirtualBox need to be running on a GNU/Linux
machine.  I don't think this adds anything to the sentence.

"install the VirtualBox package of your distribution"
Suggest "from your distribution".

"Download the GNOME 2.26 VMWare Live Demo:"
This sentence is immediately following by the paragraph that
just says "Download:", which is a bit redundant.  Then that
list-header-like paragraph is following by list-header-like
paragraphs.  Suggest you drop the above sentence as well as
"Download:" and redo the list headers as such:
  "Download GNOME 2.26 for VMWare Player or Workstation:"
  "Download GNOME 2.26 for VMWare ESX Server:"

"RunGNOME" -> "Run GNOME"

"using QEMU on GNU/Linux or Parallels for Mac or GNU/Linux"
Lots of prepositions make it hard for the reader to group
things.  It's a bit of a garden path.  Suggest repeating
"using" to make it more clear: "using QEMU on GNU/Linux or
using Parallels on Mac or GNU/Linux".  Is "Mac" the right
way to refer to it?  Should we say "Mac OS X"?

Does "Live Demo" need to be capitalized?

"To run in QEMU or KVM in a terminal type:" ->
"To run the live demo in QEMU or KVM, type the following
 in a terminal:"

"If you'd like to create your own distributions or simply
want to help developing GNOME?"
That's not a question.  Or a sentence.


Thanks,

-- 
Shaun McCance
http://syllogist.net/