Re: [Fwd: GUADEC7 press release draft]

[Murray Cumming <murrayc murrayc com>]

Thanks. Here are some minor changes.

On Sun, 2005-06-19 at 13:32 +0200, Claus Schwarm wrote:
> The conference is a forum for highlighting

"The conference highlights" is shorter.

> the capabilities and
> direction of GNOME, the free software desktop and development enviroment

environment

> for personal computers, workstations, networked servers and portable
> Internet devices.

"networked servers" doesn't mean much here. Let's remove it, to make the sentence a bit shorter.

> The range of topics

"Topic will include" makes more sense, and is shorter.

> will include development workshops, showcases
> focusing on translation efforts,

remove "focusing on"

>  business models for professional free

remove "professional"

> software development, GNOME in mobile devices, and discussions about the
> future direction of GNOME.

remove "direction"

> GUADEC is being held

"takes place" instead of "being held" avoids the awkward passive.

> April 29 - May 4, 2006 at Fira de Barcelona, in
> combination with the Internet Global Congress (IGC). The event will be
> jointly organized by the GNOME Foundation, the Generalitat de Catalunya
> (Catalan Government), the Council of Barcelona, the IGC and the local
> free software community. 
>
> Timothy Ney, executive director of the GNOME Foundation, welcomes the
> participation of the local administrations:

It's not appropriate to quote Tim in press releases. He's an
administrative employee, not a leadership figure.

Owen Taylor, chairman of the board of the GNOME Foundation, would be
more appropriate.
 
>  "This will be a splendid

"This is a splendid" is more direct.

> opportunity to showcase their developments in e-government and
> education, and to share them with visitors from all over the world."

replace "share them" with "share that" to avoid confusion.

> The Generalitat de Catalunya and the Council of Barcelona have a
> commitment regarding the use of 

"are committed to" is more direct thatn "have a commitment regarding the
use of"

> open standards and free and open source
> software in the public sector and have also been working

remove "working on"

>  on spreading
> free software among the citizens.

Ideally, this last sentence part would just say "and are spreading free
software among citizens", though that's still not perfect.


> ((((quotes from Oriol Ferran, director of the Informatin Society office
> of the Generalitat))))
>
> About GNOME and the GNOME Foundation
>
> Comprised of hundreds of volunteer developers and industry-leading
> companies, the GNOME Foundation is an organization committed to
> supporting the advancement of GNOME. The Foundation provides
> organizational, financial and legal support to the GNOME project and
> helps determine its vision and roadmap. GNOME is an entirely free user
> environment for desktops, networked servers and portable Internet
> devices. The modern architecture and design of GNOME includes a
> technically advanced application development platform and a powerful
> end-user desktop environment. Major leading software industry and
> computer manufacturers support the GNOME development effort, which is
> led by a worldwide community of volunteers. More information on GNOME is
> available at www.gnome.org.
>
> About GUADEC
>
> The GNOME User and Developer Europe Conference (GUADEC) is an annual
> gathering of GNOME developers, enthusiasts and individual, business,
> education and government users worldwide. It provides a forum for
> members of the GNOME project to showcase their work and to discuss the
> future of GNOME development. Housed in a different European country each
> year, GUADEC is a catalyst for the future development and direction of
> GNOME. More at guadec.gnome.org.
>
> About the IGC
>
> The Internet Global Congress is the leading Internet and New
> Technologies congress in Spain. Every year the IGC hosts an
> international event (IPv6 world meeting in 2005, Internet Society annual
> conference in 2004...)

Avoid the ...

> . Open Source has become a major topic in the IGC
> and they will host the GUADEC 2006 providing top quality infrastructures
> and services. More at www.igcweb.net.

replace "and they will host the GUADEC 2006 providing top quality
infrastructure and services."
with "so they are pleased to host GUADEC 2006 with their high-quality
infrastructure."

-- 
Murray Cumming
murrayc murrayc com
www.murrayc.com
www.openismus.com