Re: GNOME project description for EuroOSCON .org day]

[Joachim Noreiko <jnoreiko yahoo com>]

--- Marcus Bauer <marcus bauer gmail com> wrote:

> 
> > <<
> >   Comprised of hundreds of volunteer developers
> and industry-leading  
> > companies, the GNOME Foundation is an organization
> committed to  
> > supporting the advancement of GNOME. GNOME is a
> free software project  
> > that provides a complete, easy to use desktop for
> a variety of  
> > operating systems, including GNU/Linux, BSD,
> Solaris (tm), Operating  
> > Environment, HP-UX, Unix, BSD and Apple's Darwin.
> More than 700  
> > computer developers, including over 100 full-time,
> paid developers,  
> > contribute their time and effort to the project.
> > >>
> 
> New suggestion:
> <<
> Comprised of hundreds of volunteer developers and
> industry-leading
> companies, GNOME is aiming to create a computing
> environment for the
> general public that is completely free software. 
> 
> Target platforms are both the desktop as well as
> embedded devices. At
> the same time GNOME is committed to enable people
> with disabilities
> through an elaborated Accessibility framework as the
> result of several
> years of effort.
> >>
> 
> Comments?

It's a lot clearer :)

> Check from native speakers?

'comprise' never goes with 'of'.
'Comprising hundreds of volunteer developers...'

'Target platforms are both the desktop as well
embedded devices.'
You don't need 'both' AND 'as well'. 



		
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